frivolity

tonight, she climbed atop the rooftop just like she always does…
she loves the wind, the thrill, the heights. it made her look fearless when she’s actually the exact opposite. she’s trembling inside. she fears this exact moment… she’s afraid of herself… she’s afraid of how crazy she could become.
looking over the city made her feel things–like how insignificant she is in this vast and wide universe and that she could drop dead that instant and nobody would even notice. the world will keep on going and everyone else will get on with their lives. everybody hates her. everybody leaves her. and it has already got into her nerves, you know, all the leaving… so this time she wanted to be sure no one’s going to leave her behind. not again. not ever. she felt empty. everything inside her is just so hollow. she suddenly had the urge to fly, and being the impulsive little bitch that she is, she did.

and she was right. nobody even noticed. the night went back to being dark and silent. and eveything that she was… everything that she is…everything that she will ever be… everything got reduced to a single thud, a ton of blood and a week of gossip. she didn’t know that even after death, she’d still get less than what she deserves.

Two Worlds (Journal Entry #003)

To my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend,

It’s been 8 months since you’ve broken up with my current boyfriend and we’ve already been together for almost 5 months. When I found him, he’s broken beyond words…he’s been looking for some solace day in and day out… looking for someone who could fill up even half of the hole you left in his heart. I thought he was beyond repair but fate has something in store for us.

I’ve only seen him once, I barely knew him then… But then our boss and our common friends pursued us to hang out. It seems absurd for a brokenhearted guy and a girl who has no plans on getting into a relationship to test the waters and just go with love’s tide. But then as we started to do just that, we were shocked to see how everything suddenly fell into place. I’ve always been drawn to chaos… to mess… and since that’s exactly what he was when you left, I was drawn to him. We dated for a month and things accelerated the way we never thought it would. The next thing we know, we’re already in love. Despite how broken he once was, he healed fast. I treated him with so much love and affection and he was grateful he found me. He moved on from his past… from you! But I never could. When I found out who you are and what part of him you held for so long, I couldn’t just forget you and move on from you. Every night I’ve been stalking you, I’m sure you know that. I’ve been constantly viewing your stories about 3x a day…constantly checking on  your posts… and from there, I got to know you… bits and pieces of you. And I found out why he fell for you…why he stayed with you… why he chased you that much… Oh God, if I were a guy I would have fallen for you too. I became aware of your gorgeous looks… I saw how perfect you are and how I’ll never even be half of a woman that you are. And everyday as he tells me how beautiful I am, I could no longer believe his words. His compliments fell short… it could no longer reach my heart… it became an insult. But I know he loves me so much, everyday he proves that. In a span of few months I’ve walked out on him more than a dozen times and I’ve broken up with him half as much; but he kept on chasing me… kept on showing me I am his present and his future. He is so patient and perfect and sometimes I even ask myself why would you or anyone else leave someone as perfect as him… as caring, as generous, as kind, as understanding, as loving as him…

I’ve never known insecurity before. I’ve always believed that I am beautiful and I’m intelligent and I’m fun to be with. I am someone loved by people because I laugh so easily, I have crazy trips, I am weird and unique and there’s no one else like me. People used to tell me that I am a beautiful person, inside and out… And all these time, I believed them. But then I got to know you and my definition of beautiful suddenly changed. I started hating myself, I started feeling less… And jealousy and insecurity started feeding on me. Suddenly all the suitors I had in my life weren’t enough to make me feel lovely. The compliments seemed superficial, the popularity I once had in the province is fading. The medals I’ve had doesn’t seem to matter anymore… the 2 professional licenses  I’ve acquired in the past year doesn’t seem so much of an achievement. All the things I’ve used to build my self-esteem crumbled down. Suddenly, I’m nothing…and you, on the other hand, you’re the perfect ex-girlfriend…and you don’t even have to try.

For the entire 4 months, and counting, I was filled with anxiety, with jealousy, with constant thoughts that I will never be as perfect as you are. How can I ever compete with someone like you? I know I deserve some peace of mind… I know I should’ve dropped this obsession months ago… I know this is self-torture… but I can’t help it. Still, thank you, despite giving me this constant pain in the ego, thank  you. 

Thank you because you’re my inspiration to be so much better. I know you live in the world of glam, of fashion, of limelight and maybe, just maybe, it would take me a lifetime to breathe the same air as you do… it would take me a lifetime to enter in your world of cameras, of theatres, or performances, of tapings, of music — and I, I’m stucked looking ugly at construction sites… stagnant and not even moving where I am. You’re shining like a diamond and I’m as dull and as insignificant as a handful of mud. You live in the world every girl dreams of… But one day, I’m going to succeed at my own craft, in my own world. Maybe one day, I’m not so stucked anymore… maybe I’ll soar higher and do everything that I can — there’s no limit to what I can do anyway. Maybe I can pursue the law thing… Nothing’s for sure yet other than my drive to be the best version of myself. 

I may not have your porcelain, white skin, I may not have your cute laughter, your beautiful voice, your guts, your confidence, your glamour, your resources, your beauty, your smile… I may not have all of those… but at least I have him. And he will always be enough. Thank you for choosing your career in lieu of him…because now, I have him. 

Alcohol in my veins set my heart ablaze (Journal Entry #002)

I’ve always wondered what made people love it… there’s the bitter taste… the burning sensation… the hangover… the unsteadiness… the headache — while I was going over my mental list, I suddenly laughed at a realization — I guess everyone’s addicted to things that destroys them : drinks, drugs, weeds, gambling, girls, work — even love… and maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be destroyed after all… and so I grabbed a bottle of red wine and tried to destroy my life even more…

From my first shot up to the last one, I couldn’t think of any description but — bitter. There’s pure bitterness nothing else… and at each passing shot, I grew more and more reluctant to take the next one… But the power kicks in… I feel traces of alcohol all over me… I felt numb… and my heart’s palpitating… It’s not as bad as it seemed. The whole world’s spinning–it’s as if the walls were comforting me… I was smiling… there was no music but everything was dancing… They say you’d forget your problems… but for me — I remembered it all… I remember everything as if someone has finally opened the Pandora box inside me… it’s liberating…this kind of of release… all my woes, secrets, pain, problems, heartaches… I finally had the courage to let them out… for once I’m not a coward… I cried… I realized my pain all these years… It made me feel so alive… the feelings I get all at once… There’s too much feelings… I couldn’t keep up… I drank more hoping to drown them all in alcohol. But they didn’t — and it’s okay… because I felt braver… I felt as if I can endure anything… I released everything I’m holding back. I let myself get loose…I talked to myself…cried and laughed like a total lunatic… I reached for my phone and started typing words as if I’m a different person… I expressed my deepest pain… released my despise… texted with all honesty and feelings and anger. My heart was on fire and I let my words burn… and then I can no longer resist the urge to sleep… I drifted to sleep with no thoughts, no tossing and turning… best sleep I’ve had in years…

As I wake up the next morning, I found out why people love it — the bravery, the liberating feeling, the release, the peaceful sleep — and the excuse it brings on why you acted a certain way… to have something else to blame for your actions…”Sorry for last night…I was drunk…I wasn’t myself…”

 

(wrote this early this year… haven’t had any time typing this so I posted it just now)

Spontaneity at its best (Journal Entry #001)

So yesterday, I was on my way to a training… Getting up was harder than usual that morning and I don’t know – there’s this heavy feeling all of a sudden. I told myself, “Fuck it! I’m ditching this… this day is mine and I’m gonna live it the way I want to… I’m going to break the boring cycle today and I’ll just do as I please.” and so I did. I was off to my own little adventures. I randomly rode some train and randomly got off as well. It’s nice to be lost…with nothing but the maps-app on my phone…I just walked aimlessly and went where my feet would take me…

My first stop was at a random church. I felt the need to reconnect with God, somehow I feel that I’m starting to drift away. I went in, hoping that doing so would bring me closer to him… I poured my heart out, clasped both my hands and kneeled in prayer. I told him all my woes and worries, all my hopes and dreams… and asked him for guidance. I left… only to find myself again on another church – my next stop: San Sebastian. I did the same… I talked to him like I’ve never talked to him before… I prayed and prayed to pass the UPLAE. I stayed there for quite some time…meditating while admiring the interiors of the place… and then, off I went… to the place I intend to go to that very morning: Manila City Hall Regional Trial Court. You know how inclined I am at the moment, in Law… and my adventures wouldn’t be complete without visiting something related to it… I sauntered the hallways, looked at every rooms corresponding the different RTC branches. Trial rooms were locked. I interviewed staffs and found out that hearings usually took place during mornings. Mission Failed! I haven’t witnessed one. What I was hoping for was that I’d be inside the courtroom. Well, enough with frustrations. You know me enough…I wouldn’t stop there. I searched the location of Court of Appeals and again… I’m off. However, I got a bit distracted. I saw a sign pointing towards National Planetarium and just like that, I went in. I paid, registered and settled myself on a seat while waiting for the dome show to begin… and well, I was so glad I stumbled to that place… As soon as the show began, I couldn’t contain my joy. A kid in me was unleashed and I gaped at the dome with all enthusiasm. It was so relaxing…as if I’m really staring into a cloudless night – but even better… and as the billion stars twinkle right above me – even though they’re just projections – I wished on the brightest of them… wished for me to be admitted at UP Law. I wished and prayed so hard – that the stars twinkle even more through my tears. After the show, I hurried to the Court of Appeals…I’ve entered various rooms, telling staffs my intention, looking for someone that would let me sit-in amidst a hearing. Sadly, just like at the RTC, there’s no more hearings to listen to for the day. Still, they gave me the schedule of the cases on the courtroom for the next 2 months. I left… but only to seek for something better : Supreme Court. At the lobby, there were reporters…something’s happening at the Session Hall. I went to the Clerk of Courts and clarified my intentions. I was very lucky a staff gave me a ticket so I can get admitted to the Session Hall. I knew I was meant to be here… There’ a reason! This is it! I’m going to witness judges and attorneys in action. I was smiling goofily, it won’t subside. I smiled even wider as I settled on the seat inside. My heart’s jumping for joy…This is the exact feeling you get when you finally found your one true love. I tried to focus  and tried stopping my mind from stirring any more thoughts. I listened intently to the oral arguments… I was amazed how eloquent they were… how sharp their minds are to be able to memorize all those laws… how firm they are on their beliefs — all traits I do not have. I envy them… their words, their sharpness, their intellect… they’re hypnotizing to watch. Deep inside me, there’s a voice…loud cries… “I want to be just like them.” I sat for hours listening to the exchange of words and the battle of their minds… The session ended but even until I got home, I’m holding a dream in my heart… a dream that’s burning with my passion… I’ve been motivated beyond words…

And someday, I will look back at this day and I will remember how this particular day ignited my love for law… how I realized being a lawyer wasn’t just my childhood dream…how I felt I was born to be in this field. Someday, I’m not just going to be an architect and a master plumber… I am going to be a lawyer… and more… More titles, more achievements… Because I wasn’t born to settle with the mediocre. I was born to soar high… I am going to be everything I ever wanted to be… There’s no  limit to what I can do and what I can attain… 

Later that night, I remembered all my perfect and almost perfect examinations during college at taxation, constitution and other subjects relating to law… And so I decided to talk to my former professor… He’s already a lawyer and I was his favorite… he always referred to me as one of the best student he ever had throughout his teaching career. When he heard about my visit to the Supreme Court and how much I’m aching to pursue this career, he was so enthusiastic. He assured me I will pass the admission test and told me something I’d never forget – “Law School is waiting for you.”

(it’s been months since I wrote this, but I retyped this just to make sure that I am not forgetting all my sentiments that day… I’d like to remind myself of my one true love… and one day, when I already have the resources, I will make this dream come true)

Trapped

How do you escape a world you’ve created?
where monsters were your own thoughts,
where pain is your own emotions,
and you’re constantly drowning with your frustrations…
drowning—drowning but you couldn’t die…

Your dreams and goals suffocate you,
tightening around your throat…
covering you mouth…
but you can breathe…
You can breathe–but you hope you couldn’t…

A Dose of Dopamine

“have you ever cried just because you want to be more…to do more…to have more…you’ve set your happiness standard far too high and now, not even ‘you’ could reach it… no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, everything’s just not enough. you’ve drowned yourself into unworthiness, frustrations and disappointments…and everyday you’re struggling to keep afloat… always waiting for your break…always waiting for your moment…just waiting for that dopamine rush to keep you going again…”

The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy 1

1. The Compound Effect in Action 
 
 
The first chapter is about how people craves instant gratification. There are analogies that were used in the book that are really striking:
a. lottery – We  only hear one story about people winning lotteries, what we doesn’t hear and what we doesn’t realize is that there are million of stories of losers. Here comes the negative power of positive thinking. People would like to rely purely on luck with all the optimism they had without realizing that there’s almost a zero chance on that. The most certain way to attain something is not by waiting for it to happen, it is by making it happen. It is by doing everything that you can and even doing things you thought you can’t. For success not to be short-lived, gambling shouldn’t steer your life.
b. magic penny – If we are going to have a choice between taking 3 million pesos and a single penny that doubles its value every day for a month; most likely, people would choose the instant cash; because they don’t want to go through the agonizing wait for the whole month for the payoff. People are usually blinded by that–the instant reward, the fulfillment right now, what we don’t tend to realize is that the second choice will actually be more than 3 times the 3 million you would have chosen. Likewise, “…small, seemingly insignificant steps completed consistently over time will create a radical difference…”
 
 
Quote of the day:
“It doesn’t matter how smart you are or aren’t, you need to make up in hardwork what you lack in experience, skill, intelligence, or innate ability. If your competitor is smarter, more talented, or experienced, you just need to work three or four times as hard. You can still beat them.”
 
 
2. Choices
 
“The life we end up with is simply an accumulation of all the choices we make.”
 
“It is time to wake up and make empowering choices.”
 
“If I always took 100% responsibility for everything I experienced — completely owning all of my choices and all the ways I responded to whatever happened to me — I held the power. Everything was up to me. I was responsible for everything I did, didn’t do or how I responded to what was done to me.”
 
“I had the unlimited power to control my destiny.”
 
“You cannot see what you don’t look for, and you cannot look for what you believe in.”
 
 

RED

I was able to elude from the ghosts underneath my bed,
But how can I escape from a monster residing in my head?
I have shook off all the harsh words people have said,
But I am restrained to my thoughts, its poison has spread.
If only I had known, I would have left and fled,
But how can I get away from my own self that I dread?

-AA

 

Gladiator

Debris of the crumbled columns were everywhere…the pieces of a once beautiful edifice lie on the ground…Despite the wreckage, it’s evident that the architecture of the structures that once stood there were astounding. Glints of gold shine among the wreck as the sun’s rays strike them… There’s no chaos more beautiful than this one. The perfect ratios, the symmetry, the stability, the magnificence, the grandness, the foundation—nobody would have imagined such perfection to sink into oblivion. Dust and smoke filled the air…exaggerating the havoc. An acrid smell hung loosely in the air—burnt flesh…blood…the putrefying smell of death itself… It might have been Rome…the ruins of a rich empire makes it look like Rome…

From a distance, you’ll see a shadow…You’d need to squint to be able to see—a slow-moving-figure engulfed in smoke and dust and soot. Everything else is lifeless…and the moving figure looks just as lifeless as everything else…almost like an apparition…a mirage…but IT is alive. (it’s more appropriate to use IT instead of he/she because IT looks more like a pair of clothes dancing through the breeze than a human being). The shadow took numerous steps…even from a distance they seemed agonizing…The shadow endured them…nonetheless… IT might have been a Roman…the bravery and strength and will of Romans throughout the history and stories and myths makes IT look like a Roman…

There were guttural cries echoing…exasperating sighs filling the voidness…sounds of small stones crushing beneath someone’s feet—the only signs of life from IT…The figure got closer…walking away from the chaos. Alas! IT is a girl!!! She might have been a Gladiator…no, she doesn’t have the armor, or the shield, or the sword, or anything else…she doesn’t even have the energy to walk and it’s a miracle how she mustered to take those steps…She’s a walking-bruises-and-wounds…each one looks more painful than the other. Still, I can tell…she is a gladiator…a champion of her people…a champion in her own little ways…

As soon as she left that beautiful mess where she was found…she started to blend in. There is indeed something beautiful that can spring from the ruins…In her own little actions, she never lose the ‘Gladiator’ blood in her veins…She doesn’t need a colosseum…or a skilled warrior and killer as her opponent…or the roaring cheer of heartless people…She only needs her animal-like fighting spirit…She’s a predator refusing to be a prey… She’s a prey acting like a predator…

Her life is a long, unending combat…She emerges from her daily battles wounded but never defeated…She made a mental list of all her plans and dreams—all of which has a corresponding fight she has to win…all of which is a level higher and harder than the previous one…But, she’s a Gladiator…she’d rather get killed fighting…than doing nothing at all…She’d rather be the ‘show’, rather than sitting and sinking and blending with the crowd to just watch it. She became obsessed of it—not the battles…but the victories…She wanted more…she couldn’t stop now…not ever.

She has to tackle the drudgeries single-handedly and throw them to the ground like a weightless rag doll. She has to dodge the blows and strike the unseen opponent…She gets thrown to the ground so many times…and getting up is always harder than the last one… But she is a Gladiator. She’ll keep on standing up even if she’s getting beaten up to a pulp…

Sometimes, it gets to her…You know, a life-long combat is exhausting even for a fighter…even if she happened to defeat her opponent today…it will resurface again tomorrow. How can you fight an immortal?— a darkness that never dies…a negativity that never leaves… She’s unstoppable though…She’s addicted to victories that even when she can no longer think straight, it fills her brains…She’s restless…She’s fixated on attaining her next dreams…

She took off her helmet, she removed her armour, she threw her shield down, she put down her sword…She stood on the battlefield as bare and as bold as she could ever be…she exposed her vulnerability…her flesh inviting arrows and blows…She’s fearless…or that’s what she wants people to see her at least…She held her head up, just like what a warrior should…

She bolted…she ran towards the enemy as she pretended that she’s not shaking in fear…exhausted beyond words…She ran faster…and she pretended that there’s nothing within her but that animal fighting spirit…She ran faster—faster than she ever had—towards her enemy…and before the collision, she shouted…no, scratch that, “I”…I shouted… I AM A GLADIATOR…I AM ‘THAT’ GLADIATOR…from the ruins… and into the ruins… and the ruin itself…I AM HER.

-AA

Luna

There she is–peering into the clouds,
Her radiant beauty beaming from above…
A lonesome goddess who shines without Love,
Even without any companion she will thrive.

As darkness creeps to life, a solitaire travels,
Numerous phases of faces–uncontestably hard not to marvel…
Embraced each of her changes, every night a new one to unravel…
Slowly taking her time until she’s full enough to dazzle.

Shackled into the skies, she sits with elegant grace,
Flaunting her ethereal loveliness for every soul to gaze,
Deep craters cover her and still nothing could get her fazed,
She embraced her imperfection and it has set her ablaze.

An ever-changing, burning ball, floating from afar,
Powerful enough to pull the oceans from shore to shore,
Binded with mysteries down to her very core,
I couldn’t help but stare at this goddess even more.

And down below, I am admiring her, shivering on the chilly night,
How darkness engulfed her but the stars made her crown is a sight,
I was reaching out to her with eyes shut, as I pray with all my might,
To be like her–alone, evolving, imperfect but zealous enough to fight.

 

-AA

How do you escape from feelings that consume you?

Sometimes I wonder how my heart could keep up with all the emotions I feel all at once…with all the feelings surging through me…
I wonder how i could manage to endure the intensity of each…the extremity…
One heartbeat it was all exhilarating feeling, and then on the next it was a complete melancholy…it was different on every beat and it was intense every time…
Everything is a climax… every moment is a peak… every action has an automatic reaction… and it exhausts the hell out of me…

How do you escape from feelings that consume you?

Just Another Wasted Time

It’s hard to like someone who’s not even sure if he likes you…I liked you anyway.

It’s hard to go out with someone when you know he’s going out with someone else too…I went out with you anyway.

It’s hard to give someone a chance when he never explicitly asked for it…I gave chances to you anyway.

But it’s even harder to ask you not to leave when you never even stayed in the first place…

It’s even harder to bid goodbye when I never even had you…

How can I say goodbye? How am I going to end something that hasn’t even started yet?

So I think this is it then…

You’re now going to be ‘Just another guy’…

‘Just another page’ on my journal…

‘Just another dream’ I should wake up from….

‘Just another wasted time…’

A seed I’ve planted has grown…

‘Is today a good day to die?’ Everyone will be just fine…I don’t have much impact on anyone and the world will be just the same…I think I’ve lived long enough…23-years is long enough already, I guess. Waking up has already been hard…falling asleep, harder…Days are already dragging…and time seems too slow…I can’t wait for that day…to finally end it…one less soul won’t make a difference…everything will stay the same…I know…I’m certain…

I want to be selfish…for one last time…just like what I’ve always been.

I want to be carefree and succumb to this frivolity…and end up with another stupid decision…just like what I’ve always done.

…Just the thought of it–is liberating already…to cheat life…and to escape the maze…and to finally find my way out–an easier path!

The thought is like poison…spreading like wild fire…infecting every vein…every flesh…every inch of me…up to the very core of my being. I can’t seem to shake the thought off…It’s been a part of me…the dark side…the concealed piece…

Even on good days, the thought lingers…it lurks nearby. I couldn’t even think of a credible reason why I might do this…Does that make me insane? Well maybe I am. I no longer know the reason, all I know is that there had been reasons…it piled up one after the other…until I can no longer grasp the rationality of this thought…until I can no longer recall why I had to imbue this idea on my mind…I can no longer remember what pained me so much…what scarred me too deep…what made me irreparable…

Now I had to tick off one last item on my bucketlist…

The grandest one so far…

The end is near…