frivolity

tonight, she climbed atop the rooftop just like she always does…
she loves the wind, the thrill, the heights. it made her look fearless when she’s actually the exact opposite. she’s trembling inside. she fears this exact moment… she’s afraid of herself… she’s afraid of how crazy she could become.
looking over the city made her feel things–like how insignificant she is in this vast and wide universe and that she could drop dead that instant and nobody would even notice. the world will keep on going and everyone else will get on with their lives. everybody hates her. everybody leaves her. and it has already got into her nerves, you know, all the leaving… so this time she wanted to be sure no one’s going to leave her behind. not again. not ever. she felt empty. everything inside her is just so hollow. she suddenly had the urge to fly, and being the impulsive little bitch that she is, she did.

and she was right. nobody even noticed. the night went back to being dark and silent. and eveything that she was… everything that she is…everything that she will ever be… everything got reduced to a single thud, a ton of blood and a week of gossip. she didn’t know that even after death, she’d still get less than what she deserves.

How do you escape from feelings that consume you?

Sometimes I wonder how my heart could keep up with all the emotions I feel all at once…with all the feelings surging through me…
I wonder how i could manage to endure the intensity of each…the extremity…
One heartbeat it was all exhilarating feeling, and then on the next it was a complete melancholy…it was different on every beat and it was intense every time…
Everything is a climax… every moment is a peak… every action has an automatic reaction… and it exhausts the hell out of me…

How do you escape from feelings that consume you?

Consequences

Love is like a lightning,

It could be so much disparaging,

Once it was meant to struck on you,

There’s no other way to go to.

It’s impossible to get away from it,

No way to elude its mighty hit.

It would send you a surge of heat,

That will leave you black-butted from head-to-feet.

The glow you’ve thought of as a falling star,

Will smash your wish and is somewhat fatal…

Love is like a lightning,

That lurks everywhere even in bright morning:

Ready to await its next victim,

Someone to leave, shattered and bleeding,

So prepare yourself to the tears and pain,

Because in the word ‘love’ they’re always chained.

-AA

A seed I’ve planted has grown…

‘Is today a good day to die?’ Everyone will be just fine…I don’t have much impact on anyone and the world will be just the same…I think I’ve lived long enough…23-years is long enough already, I guess. Waking up has already been hard…falling asleep, harder…Days are already dragging…and time seems too slow…I can’t wait for that day…to finally end it…one less soul won’t make a difference…everything will stay the same…I know…I’m certain…

I want to be selfish…for one last time…just like what I’ve always been.

I want to be carefree and succumb to this frivolity…and end up with another stupid decision…just like what I’ve always done.

…Just the thought of it–is liberating already…to cheat life…and to escape the maze…and to finally find my way out–an easier path!

The thought is like poison…spreading like wild fire…infecting every vein…every flesh…every inch of me…up to the very core of my being. I can’t seem to shake the thought off…It’s been a part of me…the dark side…the concealed piece…

Even on good days, the thought lingers…it lurks nearby. I couldn’t even think of a credible reason why I might do this…Does that make me insane? Well maybe I am. I no longer know the reason, all I know is that there had been reasons…it piled up one after the other…until I can no longer grasp the rationality of this thought…until I can no longer recall why I had to imbue this idea on my mind…I can no longer remember what pained me so much…what scarred me too deep…what made me irreparable…

Now I had to tick off one last item on my bucketlist…

The grandest one so far…

The end is near…

hanging…like a dangling participle

you could have told me you don’t want to talk…I would never force you to…

you could have told me you’re busy…I would have gotten you off the hook…

you could have told me there’s someone else…I would have walked right away…

you could have told me you no longer want me…You won’t even hear anything I’d say…

but you haven’t told me anything…so here I am…

torn—if this is a start or an end…

hovering—over some ‘hellos’ or ‘goodbyes’…

confused—if there’ll ever be an ‘us’…

Lines that weren’t meant to intersect

Tonight…we can’t stop thinking about each other…it could have been a sweet moment…except that:

I…I’m thinking of how I want to start things with you…

and you…you’re thinking of a way out coz you no longer want me…

and I’m not sure where it went wrong?

Is it on me? for making up my mind too late…

or Is it on you? for giving me hints too early…

 

-AA

Next Time and Second Chances

Too many thoughts…Too many books…Too many lessons… Too many people…And you think i’d actually believe that this lifetime is all we’ve got? That there’s nothing more after death? God isn’t that cruel. I’ll have my shot again…after all these… One day…Someday…A new lifetime…minus the harshness…minus the issues…I’ve had enough of those in this life.