RED

I was able to elude from the ghosts underneath my bed,
But how can I escape from a monster residing in my head?
I have shook off all the harsh words people have said,
But I am restrained to my thoughts, its poison has spread.
If only I had known, I would have left and fled,
But how can I get away from my own self that I dread?

-AA

 

A seed I’ve planted has grown…

‘Is today a good day to die?’ Everyone will be just fine…I don’t have much impact on anyone and the world will be just the same…I think I’ve lived long enough…23-years is long enough already, I guess. Waking up has already been hard…falling asleep, harder…Days are already dragging…and time seems too slow…I can’t wait for that day…to finally end it…one less soul won’t make a difference…everything will stay the same…I know…I’m certain…

I want to be selfish…for one last time…just like what I’ve always been.

I want to be carefree and succumb to this frivolity…and end up with another stupid decision…just like what I’ve always done.

…Just the thought of it–is liberating already…to cheat life…and to escape the maze…and to finally find my way out–an easier path!

The thought is like poison…spreading like wild fire…infecting every vein…every flesh…every inch of me…up to the very core of my being. I can’t seem to shake the thought off…It’s been a part of me…the dark side…the concealed piece…

Even on good days, the thought lingers…it lurks nearby. I couldn’t even think of a credible reason why I might do this…Does that make me insane? Well maybe I am. I no longer know the reason, all I know is that there had been reasons…it piled up one after the other…until I can no longer grasp the rationality of this thought…until I can no longer recall why I had to imbue this idea on my mind…I can no longer remember what pained me so much…what scarred me too deep…what made me irreparable…

Now I had to tick off one last item on my bucketlist…

The grandest one so far…

The end is near…

Next Time and Second Chances

Too many thoughts…Too many books…Too many lessons… Too many people…And you think i’d actually believe that this lifetime is all we’ve got? That there’s nothing more after death? God isn’t that cruel. I’ll have my shot again…after all these… One day…Someday…A new lifetime…minus the harshness…minus the issues…I’ve had enough of those in this life.

The Beckoning Force

I’ve always been on the edge…and when I knew you, I lost my balance and fell…slowly… at first…but as my fall gained momentum, I started to realize that maybe, maybe…even Newton wouldn’t be able to calculate the rate of how fast I’m going…how hard I’m falling… You were my gravity. You were my galaxy. You were my sun. You were my star…But you were my black hole as well… It ended…But I continue to fall…tumbling and doing somersaults in the air…everything’s a blur…I plummet down, I plunge deeper… I couldn’t think straight…So I just closed my eyes… and braced myself for a crash that would end it all…