Two Worlds (Journal Entry #003)

To my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend,

It’s been 8 months since you’ve broken up with my current boyfriend and we’ve already been together for almost 5 months. When I found him, he’s broken beyond words…he’s been looking for some solace day in and day out… looking for someone who could fill up even half of the hole you left in his heart. I thought he was beyond repair but fate has something in store for us.

I’ve only seen him once, I barely knew him then… But then our boss and our common friends pursued us to hang out. It seems absurd for a brokenhearted guy and a girl who has no plans on getting into a relationship to test the waters and just go with love’s tide. But then as we started to do just that, we were shocked to see how everything suddenly fell into place. I’ve always been drawn to chaos… to mess… and since that’s exactly what he was when you left, I was drawn to him. We dated for a month and things accelerated the way we never thought it would. The next thing we know, we’re already in love. Despite how broken he once was, he healed fast. I treated him with so much love and affection and he was grateful he found me. He moved on from his past… from you! But I never could. When I found out who you are and what part of him you held for so long, I couldn’t just forget you and move on from you. Every night I’ve been stalking you, I’m sure you know that. I’ve been constantly viewing your stories about 3x a day…constantly checking on  your posts… and from there, I got to know you… bits and pieces of you. And I found out why he fell for you…why he stayed with you… why he chased you that much… Oh God, if I were a guy I would have fallen for you too. I became aware of your gorgeous looks… I saw how perfect you are and how I’ll never even be half of a woman that you are. And everyday as he tells me how beautiful I am, I could no longer believe his words. His compliments fell short… it could no longer reach my heart… it became an insult. But I know he loves me so much, everyday he proves that. In a span of few months I’ve walked out on him more than a dozen times and I’ve broken up with him half as much; but he kept on chasing me… kept on showing me I am his present and his future. He is so patient and perfect and sometimes I even ask myself why would you or anyone else leave someone as perfect as him… as caring, as generous, as kind, as understanding, as loving as him…

I’ve never known insecurity before. I’ve always believed that I am beautiful and I’m intelligent and I’m fun to be with. I am someone loved by people because I laugh so easily, I have crazy trips, I am weird and unique and there’s no one else like me. People used to tell me that I am a beautiful person, inside and out… And all these time, I believed them. But then I got to know you and my definition of beautiful suddenly changed. I started hating myself, I started feeling less… And jealousy and insecurity started feeding on me. Suddenly all the suitors I had in my life weren’t enough to make me feel lovely. The compliments seemed superficial, the popularity I once had in the province is fading. The medals I’ve had doesn’t seem to matter anymore… the 2 professional licenses  I’ve acquired in the past year doesn’t seem so much of an achievement. All the things I’ve used to build my self-esteem crumbled down. Suddenly, I’m nothing…and you, on the other hand, you’re the perfect ex-girlfriend…and you don’t even have to try.

For the entire 4 months, and counting, I was filled with anxiety, with jealousy, with constant thoughts that I will never be as perfect as you are. How can I ever compete with someone like you? I know I deserve some peace of mind… I know I should’ve dropped this obsession months ago… I know this is self-torture… but I can’t help it. Still, thank you, despite giving me this constant pain in the ego, thank  you. 

Thank you because you’re my inspiration to be so much better. I know you live in the world of glam, of fashion, of limelight and maybe, just maybe, it would take me a lifetime to breathe the same air as you do… it would take me a lifetime to enter in your world of cameras, of theatres, or performances, of tapings, of music — and I, I’m stucked looking ugly at construction sites… stagnant and not even moving where I am. You’re shining like a diamond and I’m as dull and as insignificant as a handful of mud. You live in the world every girl dreams of… But one day, I’m going to succeed at my own craft, in my own world. Maybe one day, I’m not so stucked anymore… maybe I’ll soar higher and do everything that I can — there’s no limit to what I can do anyway. Maybe I can pursue the law thing… Nothing’s for sure yet other than my drive to be the best version of myself. 

I may not have your porcelain, white skin, I may not have your cute laughter, your beautiful voice, your guts, your confidence, your glamour, your resources, your beauty, your smile… I may not have all of those… but at least I have him. And he will always be enough. Thank you for choosing your career in lieu of him…because now, I have him. 

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