Alcohol in my veins set my heart ablaze (Journal Entry #002)

I’ve always wondered what made people love it… there’s the bitter taste… the burning sensation… the hangover… the unsteadiness… the headache — while I was going over my mental list, I suddenly laughed at a realization — I guess everyone’s addicted to things that destroys them : drinks, drugs, weeds, gambling, girls, work — even love… and maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be destroyed after all… and so I grabbed a bottle of red wine and tried to destroy my life even more…

From my first shot up to the last one, I couldn’t think of any description but — bitter. There’s pure bitterness nothing else… and at each passing shot, I grew more and more reluctant to take the next one… But the power kicks in… I feel traces of alcohol all over me… I felt numb… and my heart’s palpitating… It’s not as bad as it seemed. The whole world’s spinning–it’s as if the walls were comforting me… I was smiling… there was no music but everything was dancing… They say you’d forget your problems… but for me — I remembered it all… I remember everything as if someone has finally opened the Pandora box inside me… it’s liberating…this kind of of release… all my woes, secrets, pain, problems, heartaches… I finally had the courage to let them out… for once I’m not a coward… I cried… I realized my pain all these years… It made me feel so alive… the feelings I get all at once… There’s too much feelings… I couldn’t keep up… I drank more hoping to drown them all in alcohol. But they didn’t — and it’s okay… because I felt braver… I felt as if I can endure anything… I released everything I’m holding back. I let myself get loose…I talked to myself…cried and laughed like a total lunatic… I reached for my phone and started typing words as if I’m a different person… I expressed my deepest pain… released my despise… texted with all honesty and feelings and anger. My heart was on fire and I let my words burn… and then I can no longer resist the urge to sleep… I drifted to sleep with no thoughts, no tossing and turning… best sleep I’ve had in years…

As I wake up the next morning, I found out why people love it — the bravery, the liberating feeling, the release, the peaceful sleep — and the excuse it brings on why you acted a certain way… to have something else to blame for your actions…”Sorry for last night…I was drunk…I wasn’t myself…”


(wrote this early this year… haven’t had any time typing this so I posted it just now)

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