Two Worlds (Journal Entry #003)

To my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend,

It’s been 8 months since you’ve broken up with my current boyfriend and we’ve already been together for almost 5 months. When I found him, he’s broken beyond words…he’s been looking for some solace day in and day out… looking for someone who could fill up even half of the hole you left in his heart. I thought he was beyond repair but fate has something in store for us.

I’ve only seen him once, I barely knew him then… But then our boss and our common friends pursued us to hang out. It seems absurd for a brokenhearted guy and a girl who has no plans on getting into a relationship to test the waters and just go with love’s tide. But then as we started to do just that, we were shocked to see how everything suddenly fell into place. I’ve always been drawn to chaos… to mess… and since that’s exactly what he was when you left, I was drawn to him. We dated for a month and things accelerated the way we never thought it would. The next thing we know, we’re already in love. Despite how broken he once was, he healed fast. I treated him with so much love and affection and he was grateful he found me. He moved on from his past… from you! But I never could. When I found out who you are and what part of him you held for so long, I couldn’t just forget you and move on from you. Every night I’ve been stalking you, I’m sure you know that. I’ve been constantly viewing your stories about 3x a day…constantly checking on  your posts… and from there, I got to know you… bits and pieces of you. And I found out why he fell for you…why he stayed with you… why he chased you that much… Oh God, if I were a guy I would have fallen for you too. I became aware of your gorgeous looks… I saw how perfect you are and how I’ll never even be half of a woman that you are. And everyday as he tells me how beautiful I am, I could no longer believe his words. His compliments fell short… it could no longer reach my heart… it became an insult. But I know he loves me so much, everyday he proves that. In a span of few months I’ve walked out on him more than a dozen times and I’ve broken up with him half as much; but he kept on chasing me… kept on showing me I am his present and his future. He is so patient and perfect and sometimes I even ask myself why would you or anyone else leave someone as perfect as him… as caring, as generous, as kind, as understanding, as loving as him…

I’ve never known insecurity before. I’ve always believed that I am beautiful and I’m intelligent and I’m fun to be with. I am someone loved by people because I laugh so easily, I have crazy trips, I am weird and unique and there’s no one else like me. People used to tell me that I am a beautiful person, inside and out… And all these time, I believed them. But then I got to know you and my definition of beautiful suddenly changed. I started hating myself, I started feeling less… And jealousy and insecurity started feeding on me. Suddenly all the suitors I had in my life weren’t enough to make me feel lovely. The compliments seemed superficial, the popularity I once had in the province is fading. The medals I’ve had doesn’t seem to matter anymore… the 2 professional licenses  I’ve acquired in the past year doesn’t seem so much of an achievement. All the things I’ve used to build my self-esteem crumbled down. Suddenly, I’m nothing…and you, on the other hand, you’re the perfect ex-girlfriend…and you don’t even have to try.

For the entire 4 months, and counting, I was filled with anxiety, with jealousy, with constant thoughts that I will never be as perfect as you are. How can I ever compete with someone like you? I know I deserve some peace of mind… I know I should’ve dropped this obsession months ago… I know this is self-torture… but I can’t help it. Still, thank you, despite giving me this constant pain in the ego, thank  you. 

Thank you because you’re my inspiration to be so much better. I know you live in the world of glam, of fashion, of limelight and maybe, just maybe, it would take me a lifetime to breathe the same air as you do… it would take me a lifetime to enter in your world of cameras, of theatres, or performances, of tapings, of music — and I, I’m stucked looking ugly at construction sites… stagnant and not even moving where I am. You’re shining like a diamond and I’m as dull and as insignificant as a handful of mud. You live in the world every girl dreams of… But one day, I’m going to succeed at my own craft, in my own world. Maybe one day, I’m not so stucked anymore… maybe I’ll soar higher and do everything that I can — there’s no limit to what I can do anyway. Maybe I can pursue the law thing… Nothing’s for sure yet other than my drive to be the best version of myself. 

I may not have your porcelain, white skin, I may not have your cute laughter, your beautiful voice, your guts, your confidence, your glamour, your resources, your beauty, your smile… I may not have all of those… but at least I have him. And he will always be enough. Thank you for choosing your career in lieu of him…because now, I have him. 

Alcohol in my veins set my heart ablaze (Journal Entry #002)

I’ve always wondered what made people love it… there’s the bitter taste… the burning sensation… the hangover… the unsteadiness… the headache — while I was going over my mental list, I suddenly laughed at a realization — I guess everyone’s addicted to things that destroys them : drinks, drugs, weeds, gambling, girls, work — even love… and maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be destroyed after all… and so I grabbed a bottle of red wine and tried to destroy my life even more…

From my first shot up to the last one, I couldn’t think of any description but — bitter. There’s pure bitterness nothing else… and at each passing shot, I grew more and more reluctant to take the next one… But the power kicks in… I feel traces of alcohol all over me… I felt numb… and my heart’s palpitating… It’s not as bad as it seemed. The whole world’s spinning–it’s as if the walls were comforting me… I was smiling… there was no music but everything was dancing… They say you’d forget your problems… but for me — I remembered it all… I remember everything as if someone has finally opened the Pandora box inside me… it’s liberating…this kind of of release… all my woes, secrets, pain, problems, heartaches… I finally had the courage to let them out… for once I’m not a coward… I cried… I realized my pain all these years… It made me feel so alive… the feelings I get all at once… There’s too much feelings… I couldn’t keep up… I drank more hoping to drown them all in alcohol. But they didn’t — and it’s okay… because I felt braver… I felt as if I can endure anything… I released everything I’m holding back. I let myself get loose…I talked to myself…cried and laughed like a total lunatic… I reached for my phone and started typing words as if I’m a different person… I expressed my deepest pain… released my despise… texted with all honesty and feelings and anger. My heart was on fire and I let my words burn… and then I can no longer resist the urge to sleep… I drifted to sleep with no thoughts, no tossing and turning… best sleep I’ve had in years…

As I wake up the next morning, I found out why people love it — the bravery, the liberating feeling, the release, the peaceful sleep — and the excuse it brings on why you acted a certain way… to have something else to blame for your actions…”Sorry for last night…I was drunk…I wasn’t myself…”

 

(wrote this early this year… haven’t had any time typing this so I posted it just now)

Spontaneity at its best (Journal Entry #001)

So yesterday, I was on my way to a training… Getting up was harder than usual that morning and I don’t know – there’s this heavy feeling all of a sudden. I told myself, “Fuck it! I’m ditching this… this day is mine and I’m gonna live it the way I want to… I’m going to break the boring cycle today and I’ll just do as I please.” and so I did. I was off to my own little adventures. I randomly rode some train and randomly got off as well. It’s nice to be lost…with nothing but the maps-app on my phone…I just walked aimlessly and went where my feet would take me…

My first stop was at a random church. I felt the need to reconnect with God, somehow I feel that I’m starting to drift away. I went in, hoping that doing so would bring me closer to him… I poured my heart out, clasped both my hands and kneeled in prayer. I told him all my woes and worries, all my hopes and dreams… and asked him for guidance. I left… only to find myself again on another church – my next stop: San Sebastian. I did the same… I talked to him like I’ve never talked to him before… I prayed and prayed to pass the UPLAE. I stayed there for quite some time…meditating while admiring the interiors of the place… and then, off I went… to the place I intend to go to that very morning: Manila City Hall Regional Trial Court. You know how inclined I am at the moment, in Law… and my adventures wouldn’t be complete without visiting something related to it… I sauntered the hallways, looked at every rooms corresponding the different RTC branches. Trial rooms were locked. I interviewed staffs and found out that hearings usually took place during mornings. Mission Failed! I haven’t witnessed one. What I was hoping for was that I’d be inside the courtroom. Well, enough with frustrations. You know me enough…I wouldn’t stop there. I searched the location of Court of Appeals and again… I’m off. However, I got a bit distracted. I saw a sign pointing towards National Planetarium and just like that, I went in. I paid, registered and settled myself on a seat while waiting for the dome show to begin… and well, I was so glad I stumbled to that place… As soon as the show began, I couldn’t contain my joy. A kid in me was unleashed and I gaped at the dome with all enthusiasm. It was so relaxing…as if I’m really staring into a cloudless night – but even better… and as the billion stars twinkle right above me – even though they’re just projections – I wished on the brightest of them… wished for me to be admitted at UP Law. I wished and prayed so hard – that the stars twinkle even more through my tears. After the show, I hurried to the Court of Appeals…I’ve entered various rooms, telling staffs my intention, looking for someone that would let me sit-in amidst a hearing. Sadly, just like at the RTC, there’s no more hearings to listen to for the day. Still, they gave me the schedule of the cases on the courtroom for the next 2 months. I left… but only to seek for something better : Supreme Court. At the lobby, there were reporters…something’s happening at the Session Hall. I went to the Clerk of Courts and clarified my intentions. I was very lucky a staff gave me a ticket so I can get admitted to the Session Hall. I knew I was meant to be here… There’ a reason! This is it! I’m going to witness judges and attorneys in action. I was smiling goofily, it won’t subside. I smiled even wider as I settled on the seat inside. My heart’s jumping for joy…This is the exact feeling you get when you finally found your one true love. I tried to focus  and tried stopping my mind from stirring any more thoughts. I listened intently to the oral arguments… I was amazed how eloquent they were… how sharp their minds are to be able to memorize all those laws… how firm they are on their beliefs — all traits I do not have. I envy them… their words, their sharpness, their intellect… they’re hypnotizing to watch. Deep inside me, there’s a voice…loud cries… “I want to be just like them.” I sat for hours listening to the exchange of words and the battle of their minds… The session ended but even until I got home, I’m holding a dream in my heart… a dream that’s burning with my passion… I’ve been motivated beyond words…

And someday, I will look back at this day and I will remember how this particular day ignited my love for law… how I realized being a lawyer wasn’t just my childhood dream…how I felt I was born to be in this field. Someday, I’m not just going to be an architect and a master plumber… I am going to be a lawyer… and more… More titles, more achievements… Because I wasn’t born to settle with the mediocre. I was born to soar high… I am going to be everything I ever wanted to be… There’s no  limit to what I can do and what I can attain… 

Later that night, I remembered all my perfect and almost perfect examinations during college at taxation, constitution and other subjects relating to law… And so I decided to talk to my former professor… He’s already a lawyer and I was his favorite… he always referred to me as one of the best student he ever had throughout his teaching career. When he heard about my visit to the Supreme Court and how much I’m aching to pursue this career, he was so enthusiastic. He assured me I will pass the admission test and told me something I’d never forget – “Law School is waiting for you.”

(it’s been months since I wrote this, but I retyped this just to make sure that I am not forgetting all my sentiments that day… I’d like to remind myself of my one true love… and one day, when I already have the resources, I will make this dream come true)