RED

I was able to elude from the ghosts underneath my bed,
But how can I escape from a monster residing in my head?
I have shook off all the harsh words people have said,
But I am restrained to my thoughts, its poison has spread.
If only I had known, I would have left and fled,
But how can I get away from my own self that I dread?

-AA

 

Rekindle

What we had in the past–had me seething in rage,
Smoldering our memories as they glow into bright orange,
Flames of love has gone out and fiery coal of hate remained.
And I sluggishly burn every part of you off my brain.
But just when I thought everything has turned to ash,
I saw you in the crowd and the breeze lashed,
The embers of our love has crackled back into life,
Melting away the hatred and tears as they fall on the fire.

-AA

The Redeemer

Life was a blank piece of parchment,

Till God reached out for the quill in the pavement.

He wrote our story with meticulous statements,

So good of him for a bunch of wonderful moments.

God adds more color in it for more excitement,

He let gaunt stuff engulf us for a moment,

And see if we’ll still hang on to him while we lament,

He’ll never ever leave in every predicament…

As our story unfolds quickly,

God made it more quirky,

All these–made it definitely hazy,

But that’s how he would know if we’re flimsy.

He then stopped for a while,

Let the blank ink blot in the white…

Let the crimson blood drop with a sigh;

But certainly joins us whenever we cry.

As soon as he sees, we seem to be lost,

In a desert, feeling so cross,

He’ll let us drink the entire oasis for no cost,

And pull us out of that hell, in a coin’s toss.

As soon as we proved our faith was strong enough,

He’ll give us the quill without a bluff,

The pen of life will soon lie on our palm,

To write our own ending in sync with God’s Psalm.

-AA

Gladiator

Debris of the crumbled columns were everywhere…the pieces of a once beautiful edifice lie on the ground…Despite the wreckage, it’s evident that the architecture of the structures that once stood there were astounding. Glints of gold shine among the wreck as the sun’s rays strike them… There’s no chaos more beautiful than this one. The perfect ratios, the symmetry, the stability, the magnificence, the grandness, the foundation—nobody would have imagined such perfection to sink into oblivion. Dust and smoke filled the air…exaggerating the havoc. An acrid smell hung loosely in the air—burnt flesh…blood…the putrefying smell of death itself… It might have been Rome…the ruins of a rich empire makes it look like Rome…

From a distance, you’ll see a shadow…You’d need to squint to be able to see—a slow-moving-figure engulfed in smoke and dust and soot. Everything else is lifeless…and the moving figure looks just as lifeless as everything else…almost like an apparition…a mirage…but IT is alive. (it’s more appropriate to use IT instead of he/she because IT looks more like a pair of clothes dancing through the breeze than a human being). The shadow took numerous steps…even from a distance they seemed agonizing…The shadow endured them…nonetheless… IT might have been a Roman…the bravery and strength and will of Romans throughout the history and stories and myths makes IT look like a Roman…

There were guttural cries echoing…exasperating sighs filling the voidness…sounds of small stones crushing beneath someone’s feet—the only signs of life from IT…The figure got closer…walking away from the chaos. Alas! IT is a girl!!! She might have been a Gladiator…no, she doesn’t have the armor, or the shield, or the sword, or anything else…she doesn’t even have the energy to walk and it’s a miracle how she mustered to take those steps…She’s a walking-bruises-and-wounds…each one looks more painful than the other. Still, I can tell…she is a gladiator…a champion of her people…a champion in her own little ways…

As soon as she left that beautiful mess where she was found…she started to blend in. There is indeed something beautiful that can spring from the ruins…In her own little actions, she never lose the ‘Gladiator’ blood in her veins…She doesn’t need a colosseum…or a skilled warrior and killer as her opponent…or the roaring cheer of heartless people…She only needs her animal-like fighting spirit…She’s a predator refusing to be a prey… She’s a prey acting like a predator…

Her life is a long, unending combat…She emerges from her daily battles wounded but never defeated…She made a mental list of all her plans and dreams—all of which has a corresponding fight she has to win…all of which is a level higher and harder than the previous one…But, she’s a Gladiator…she’d rather get killed fighting…than doing nothing at all…She’d rather be the ‘show’, rather than sitting and sinking and blending with the crowd to just watch it. She became obsessed of it—not the battles…but the victories…She wanted more…she couldn’t stop now…not ever.

She has to tackle the drudgeries single-handedly and throw them to the ground like a weightless rag doll. She has to dodge the blows and strike the unseen opponent…She gets thrown to the ground so many times…and getting up is always harder than the last one… But she is a Gladiator. She’ll keep on standing up even if she’s getting beaten up to a pulp…

Sometimes, it gets to her…You know, a life-long combat is exhausting even for a fighter…even if she happened to defeat her opponent today…it will resurface again tomorrow. How can you fight an immortal?— a darkness that never dies…a negativity that never leaves… She’s unstoppable though…She’s addicted to victories that even when she can no longer think straight, it fills her brains…She’s restless…She’s fixated on attaining her next dreams…

She took off her helmet, she removed her armour, she threw her shield down, she put down her sword…She stood on the battlefield as bare and as bold as she could ever be…she exposed her vulnerability…her flesh inviting arrows and blows…She’s fearless…or that’s what she wants people to see her at least…She held her head up, just like what a warrior should…

She bolted…she ran towards the enemy as she pretended that she’s not shaking in fear…exhausted beyond words…She ran faster…and she pretended that there’s nothing within her but that animal fighting spirit…She ran faster—faster than she ever had—towards her enemy…and before the collision, she shouted…no, scratch that, “I”…I shouted… I AM A GLADIATOR…I AM ‘THAT’ GLADIATOR…from the ruins… and into the ruins… and the ruin itself…I AM HER.

-AA

Luna

There she is–peering into the clouds,
Her radiant beauty beaming from above…
A lonesome goddess who shines without Love,
Even without any companion she will thrive.

As darkness creeps to life, a solitaire travels,
Numerous phases of faces–uncontestably hard not to marvel…
Embraced each of her changes, every night a new one to unravel…
Slowly taking her time until she’s full enough to dazzle.

Shackled into the skies, she sits with elegant grace,
Flaunting her ethereal loveliness for every soul to gaze,
Deep craters cover her and still nothing could get her fazed,
She embraced her imperfection and it has set her ablaze.

An ever-changing, burning ball, floating from afar,
Powerful enough to pull the oceans from shore to shore,
Binded with mysteries down to her very core,
I couldn’t help but stare at this goddess even more.

And down below, I am admiring her, shivering on the chilly night,
How darkness engulfed her but the stars made her crown is a sight,
I was reaching out to her with eyes shut, as I pray with all my might,
To be like her–alone, evolving, imperfect but zealous enough to fight.

 

-AA

Consequences

Love is like a lightning,

It could be so much disparaging,

Once it was meant to struck on you,

There’s no other way to go to.

It’s impossible to get away from it,

No way to elude its mighty hit.

It would send you a surge of heat,

That will leave you black-butted from head-to-feet.

The glow you’ve thought of as a falling star,

Will smash your wish and is somewhat fatal…

Love is like a lightning,

That lurks everywhere even in bright morning:

Ready to await its next victim,

Someone to leave, shattered and bleeding,

So prepare yourself to the tears and pain,

Because in the word ‘love’ they’re always chained.

-AA

Lines that weren’t meant to intersect

Tonight…we can’t stop thinking about each other…it could have been a sweet moment…except that:

I…I’m thinking of how I want to start things with you…

and you…you’re thinking of a way out coz you no longer want me…

and I’m not sure where it went wrong?

Is it on me? for making up my mind too late…

or Is it on you? for giving me hints too early…

 

-AA

Rants of a Site Architect

I live in the world of grime over glam,

Where my spotlight is the blinding sunlight,

And everyday I’m covered in sweat,

While she stays fresh on her desk.

My makeup are all these paint dusts,

And I have to stay on site till dusk,

My hair is gross and greasy,

And my daily work was never easy.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the right path,

Coz my lung’s been suffering from this job’s wrath.

I even forgot how it feels to be a girl,

Oh, I just want to get over this hurdle.

(saw this scribbled on my notebook. not finished yet but would still like to publish it, coz dang girl, even your rant is a poetry)

The Protagonist

I was once swimming in the pool of words… squirming and thrashing as the letters made their way up my nose and down my throat… writhing in agony as fragments and phrases drown me. All the feelings kept on surging through me… All the pain and frustrations swelling inside were translated to sentences I can’t keep up with.

All these literary pieces were scattered inside me and they didn’t make any sense – they are poems with mismatched rhymes… stories with incongruous plots. They kept coming…and my pen and paper couldn’t keep pace with all of it. It’s as if every tear, every pain, every heartbreak – are another stories awaiting to be written.

Amidst choking verses and coughing passages, you came. Someone who cannot be described into words…every adjective just fell short… The unstoppable voices in my head came to a halt. The chaos subsided and turned into bliss. It was the first time I was lost for words. Now everything is silent except for our heartbeats. I didn’t know that hundreds of fears would be tamed by a single hug. I didn’t know that thousands of tears would be wiped by a single kiss. I didn’t know that the love I have tried so hard to put into words will be justified by a single name. Now, my journal has empty pages and my heart is full of bliss…

Cosmic Paradox

Everybody has a little bit of the sun and moon in them. Everybody has a little bit of man, woman and animal in them… Darks and lights in them… Everyone is part of a connected cosmic system… Part earth and sea, wind and fire… with some salt and dust swimming in them. We have a universe within ourselves that mimics the universe outside. None of us are just black and white, or never wrong and always right. No one. No one exists without polarities. Everybody has a good and bad forces working with them, against them and within them.

frivolity

tonight, she climbed atop the rooftop just like she always does…
she loves the wind, the thrill, the heights. it made her look fearless when she’s actually the exact opposite. she’s trembling inside. she fears this exact moment… she’s afraid of herself… she’s afraid of how crazy she could become.
looking over the city made her feel things–like how insignificant she is in this vast and wide universe and that she could drop dead that instant and nobody would even notice. the world will keep on going and everyone else will get on with their lives. everybody hates her. everybody leaves her. and it has already got into her nerves, you know, all the leaving… so this time she wanted to be sure no one’s going to leave her behind. not again. not ever. she felt empty. everything inside her is just so hollow. she suddenly had the urge to fly, and being the impulsive little bitch that she is, she did.

and she was right. nobody even noticed. the night went back to being dark and silent. and eveything that she was… everything that she is…everything that she will ever be… everything got reduced to a single thud, a ton of blood and a week of gossip. she didn’t know that even after death, she’d still get less than what she deserves.

December 21, 2012: The Day of Great Global Cataclysm??? (The apocalyptical cloth woven out of biblical, great seer’s and ancient civilization theories’ strips)

This is a literary piece I’ve written 8 years ago, I guess. I was supposed to submit it for our campus magazine but I wasn’t able to submit it on time. I still believe it’s one of the best one I’ve written so far. The researches I went through to have this in writing is insane! I hope you could spare some time to read it. And I’d appreciate it if you leave some comments to criticize my writing.

 

December 21, 2012 …

The mere thought of this date is enough to send a surge of horror to most people’s spine and to keep their neck’s hair stand on its end… For hundreds of millennia, people have dwelled in this planet far too much and far too long, indeed: but being the generation to witness the rumored doomsday can undeniably trigger mass panic and chaos on a global scale.

We are on the epoch wherein one doesn’t have to be vigilant to be able to feel the world’s degeneration and deterioration. By simply keeping our eyes open, we could see the slow destruction on this world we dwell in. The disasters are alarmingly everywhere. Storms seem to be shot from nowhere hitting almost every country it can manage, floods visit around more often than cops do, earthquakes see to it they’d always bring definite topsy-turvy, hurricanes blow away structures without limit and also blow away mankind’s sanity, snow falling in the summer capital of the world—Hawaii, gigantic icebergs melting like a stub of wax candle at an incredible level, and many more calamities that wasn’t usual before. It isn’t just like that, global economic and social collapse is also being experienced and wars keep on spreading like a pandemic flu. Everything is really getting out of control… Really!

In search for answers to satisfy my queries, I stumbled into a bible… stated on Matthew 24 are the devastating events that mankind should be prepared for—the global cataclysm and anarchy: the earthquakes, famines, wars, pestilences… all are somewhat closely related to what’s happening lately. Could it be possible that it signifies the edge of the doom? Are we really close enough?

No wonder that the year 2012 has taken the spotlight already even in music and movie industry. 2012, Deep Impact, Armageddon, and Knowing are also movies pertaining to the end of the world. These movies might be preparing us for what is to come. Different interpretations, stories, myths, predictions, beliefs and theories are brought out making it more winding and ambiguous… Different opinions from different people making it all more complicated… but there’s one similar thing that the theories they stated shared—the date…

Weaving the threads of ancient civilization beliefs, Nostradamus’ prediction, expert’s interpretation, and of course, the bible, leads us to an obscure and intertwined stuff. We cannot truly unravel the truths because what we—humans—do have are just guesswork… clues… and nothing more. The future is always stretched before us carefree and untouched but at least we could put thing in its right baskets, keep us a bit posted at particular things, stuff our brain with a few thoughts to mull over and clear a bit of hazy things that confuses us through looking back at the ancient ruins, peeping to the great seer’s quatrains and hearing God’s words.

It all started because of the Mayan Calendar. Mayans (Native Americans) have most distinctive achievements in the field of abstract Mathematics and Astronomy; with these, ancient Mayans was able to construct a very intellectual astrological calendar which others claim as a highly accurate one. Maya astronomers were able to make difficult calculations such as finding the day of the week of a particular day many thousands of years in the past or in the future by using an extremely advanced mathematical concept. They did things mostly with remarkable precision that amazes almost everyone. But the Maya Calendar that started since 3114 B.C. poses not just something awe-inspiring, it left an enigma that was carried through generations after generations—“Why did the calendar ended on December 21, 2012?” The remnants of the civilization swore that they really don’t know why it ended there and others claimed it was brought by their God Quetzalcoatl. Things are getting more nebulous indeed in a desperate attempt to solve mysteries…

Anyway, moving forward and plunging deeper on the information I have gathered; experts and scientists are done with the list of the possibilities that might be the reason to the said doomsday: (1) asteroids/meteors/comets, (2) coronal mass ejections, (3) magnetic pole shifts, (4)  explosion from the black hole at the center of our galaxy, (5) religious apocalypse, (6) alien invasion, (7) gamma ray burst, (8) crustal displacement, (9) cosmic rays, (10) flu pandemic, (11) Ice Age, (12) Solar system falls apart, (13) Large Hadrons Collider, (14) Nuclear War/WW3/Biological War, (15) Super volcano, (16) Rise of the Machines, (17) Alien Domination, (18) Global Warming, (19) Time Travel Error, (20) Nanotechnology fault, (21) Nearby Supernovas, (22) Genetic Modification, and (23) Nuclear Accident. Among the stated possibilities the comets which will disparage this world stands out the most. As the number of possibilities grow larger, the doomsday’s date becomes more distinct and becoming the talk of the town. It’s suddenly becoming a hot topic that is impossible not to discuss even in simple chattering. Why not? The great seer’s quatrains implies same thing. Nostradamus was famed because of his accurate predictions that hide behind his mysterious verses. The occurrence of London fire, Henry II’s death, French Revolution, Hitler and Second World War, Death of Kennedy Brothers, Death of Princess Diana, 9/11 attacks in New York, The ‘Challenger’ space shuttle destroyed on take off in 1986, Death of Mother Teresa, Louis Pasteur and discovery of microscopic germs, Hurricane Katrina, Iraq War, Nuclear attacks in Hiroshima-Nagasaki and even Barrack Obama as the president of United States—all of these he foresaw and unexplainably happened. No wonder people from around the globe admire him so much that it came to the point that they just embraced blindly his predictions.

Two of Nostradamus’ quatrains implied that it is really a comet that will be the reason of the edge of doom and this strengthened more and backed up the number one possibility: (C2Q4) “During the appearance of the bearded star, the three great princes will be made enemies. The shaky peace on earth will be struck by fire from the skies. Po, the winding fiber, a serpent placed on the shore.” (C2Q72) “Mabus will soon die, then will come a horrible slaughter of people and animals. At once vengeance revealed coming from a hundred hands. Thirst and Famine when the Comet shall pass.”

On the other side of the coin are the statements in the bible; specifically in the Revelation 8:7-11 that suggest almost the same thing: the hail of fire, the large burning fragment, the great star fell from heaven… Wait a jiffy, it implies a comet and has undeniably a close relation to what Nostradamus foresaw and wrote, right?

Now, things are getting more interesting from here. “The ancient world believed in a mysterious comet that would pass earth in great intervals, over several thousand years. In fact, Sumerians called it “Nibiru” which they believed that takes 3600 years to make a complete revolution around the sun as it passes the earth. Egyptians called it “the planet of a million years”. Ancient Babylon named it “Marduk”  and today in our time, it was thought of as our Planet No. 10 or the Planet X/SEDNA that NASA introduced on 2004. Hindu religion believed that “God came to Earth” in the sacred year of 432,000 B.C. Now, if you happened to encounter the verse stated in Gen. 6:3, it goes like this: “And the Lord said, my spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days  shall be a hundred and twenty years.” If we divide 120 years (bible) into 432,000 years (Hindu Religion) we get 3600 years (Sumerians) . It means “year for the comet planet” is 3600 years vs. 360/365 days for an earth year. This is almost reminiscent of the bible where as it reads: “A day with the Lord is as a thousand years.”

More things that strengthened the rumored date are a few mathematical solutions that I failed to memorize…But I’m certain they are equations having the numbers like the age of the world, height of mammals and stuffs like that which happened to unbelievably equate  to 2012. Moreover, Nostra has also a quatrain made for this one: (C2Q46)  “After a great misery for a mankind, an ever greater approaches. The great cycle of the centuries renewed it will rain blood, milk, famine, war, disease. In the sky will be seen a great fire dragging a trail of sparks.”  “…the great cycle of the centuries renewed…”;it is obvious that it implies the year 2000 AD which is known as the New Millennium.

Now, let me take you back a few years ago and have a glimpse to the recent things that happened and foreseen by the great  seer which has a great contribution to the proofs our philosophers have taken out: “In the year 1994 and 7 months the great king of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols. Before and after Mars reigns happily.” The King of Terror stated is the comet… “…He will bring to life the King of Mongols…”—China is referred to as the King of Mongols! Isn’t it rumored that soon China will dominate the entire world rather than US? It was even said that Mandarin might be assigned as the universal language! “… Mars reigns happily.”—Mars in Roman mythology is the god of war and if we’ll look meticulously at the events that happened: July 1999-War in Serbia, September 1999-Palestinians launch “Infitada”, non-stop terror attacks against Israel, September 11, 2001-Terrorists Planes hit World Trade Center, November 2001-USA goes to war in Afghanistan, March 2003-USA and Britain go to war against Saddam in Iraq, January 2006-Iran and North Korea pursue nuclear weapons programs and many more wars after those… wars reigns indeed!!! Incredible!

Nostradamus’ quatrains’ implications went beyond what the bible laid out for us to know. It gave hints on things that I reckon, shouldn’t be known to men at all but still is something to take caution from. Stated in C8Q16 is the verse which says: “At the place where Jason built his ships, there will be such a great sudden flood that no on the land will have a place to fall on.” With this, Nostradamus tells us about the place to be avoided… I believe that the Jason on the quatrain is the same Jason on Greek Mythology which built a ship together with the Argonauts. Olympus Festulan, said the experts, was the Mt. Olympus which was also stated repetitively as the home of their Gods. This mountain is close to 10,000 ft. high so undoubtedly, it will make a massive tidal wave. This is quite similar with the verse on Rev.8:8 which talks about the great mountain burning with fire that was thrown in the sea and can result to a catastrophic event.

People who keeps on studying all of these matters have wonderfully did their crafts through clever interpretations on Nostra’s quatrains, bible verses and ancient myths and legends.  Jobs well done! They made most people follow their blasphemous beliefs! They imparted on more confusion and chaos and they were influenced with the knowledge that isn’t essential at all! They’re perspectives were all credible and have sense though…

Are you convinced and frightened with these things? Are you one of those who fell on their bait and suddenly nodded and embraced the 2012 thing? If so, shame on you… you can easily be deceived with your unseen adversary… Never let yourself be carried away with things that can turn out to be a fraud. You have overlooked a very necessary God’s word: “About the time of the end, a body of men will be raised up who will turn their attention to the prophesies and insist upon their literal interpretation, in the midst of much clamor and opposition.” See? It’s the latest hype… so we all shouldn’t be caught off-guarded.

Wisdom can always be so deceiving because Demons are witty. They hide behind their large brains. There’s one thing that’s certain that many who followed and admired Nostradamus failed to know… ‘Nostradamus used dark, occult arts to conjure a “Being of Light” who gave him these visions of the future.’ He also studied and has a background on the Mayan civilization stuff… I stumbled into this fact that a member of a Christian Church once revealed. And it was said on the bible that the spiritual entity involved in such thing is Satan. In a book I once read by Jaime Licauco, it was revealed that on Nostradamus’ time, every midnight he’ll just sit there in his desk, suddenly possessed by who-knows-what, only to find the quatrains the next morning without any knowledge how he wrote those things. The rest was left for you to mull over.

On our verge, it is a disgusting and disrespectful truth that most of us are trying to clone god! True! Most of us are trying to have the same level as that of our Lord… And they are those who often question things that they don’t understand. They always try to give solutions and show proofs that their beliefs are accurate. They contradict God’s words and stick to their theories. They concludes that their ways are always much better. They stick their noses on stuffs even if there’s nothing they can do with it. They thought they have a superior brain with that of the creator!

Whether it’s the end of the world in 2012 or not, there’s nothing we can do with it… And no matter on what way he chose to show his revenge and do his Great Tribulation, it’s always his will that will be followed… no more else. Science, Technology, Philosophy and knowledge can never be a hindrance to God’s plans. “What will come, will come and when it comes, we will all face it together.” God is the Alpha and Omega, we shouldn’t be scared…Because we were warned repetitively…It’s not ‘deep impact’ or anything else that will save us… It’s not Science and Technology that will save us…It’s ourselves… We should repent. This might be the last chance for humanity…, Accept JESUS as Savior and Follow Him as Lord during the darkest time in human history…God will return to save his faithful remnant… his faithful disciples and followers… the best thing that we can do now is to join his remnants. The apocalyptical cloth woven through strips of predictions, verses and ancient beliefs isn’t all about theories and interpretations…it has embroidery we shouldn’t overlook…”FAITH”.

 

The fish who wants to fly

Within the depths of the sea, there lived a fish, who, unfortunately, don’t know how to swim. Since she was an egg, she was expected to be just like the other fishes, but she is not. She could breathe underwater, but she couldn’t swim…her movements are solely because of the waves… so she managed to stay alive… only to see how everybody else went on with their lives. She saw how much they’ve grown eating small fishes, escaping the fishnets, just – swimming…keeping up with the tide…and succeeding in their own little underwater adventures and endeavors.

She, on the other hand, she remained static, hidden, entangling herself with corals, allowing herself to be dragged wherever the waves will take her. And as she saw everybody else’s progress, everybody else’s growth as they pass right beside her, she couldn’t help hating herself. She hated herself for not being good enough and for not being able to cope up with the progress of other fishes. She hated herself because no matter how much she tried, she fails. She fed on that hatred day and night until finally, something inside her consumed her – a dream. A dream so ridiculous but so strong that it nearly drove her to the edge. She wanted to fly! She tossed this thought over and over her head and it always seemed as absurd as ever. But how can she not entertain this thought when that’s all she have to keep going?

She went on with her life holding this dream in her heart…taking her time…building her courage… And then one night, she had enough. She wanted to leave the dark, murky waters to try the shallow ones. And so she did. With a burst of bravery, she let herself float, she was ecstatic, she was imagining how it feels to fly. As she open her eyes, she saw some blinding light and she thought, literally, and figuratively, that it is somewhat a glimmer of hope. Something fell to the waters, but she was focused on the dreamy light and the thought of flying. Suddenly, she was lifted in the air, higher and higher…closer and closer to the light… and she couldn’t believe it! She’s flying! Or so she thought…

She was in the air for a couple of minutes and she has never been happier in her entire life. She thought she finally achieved a feat no other fish ever had. And then — there’s a thud in the boat as she fell on it, entangled on the nets. As her breathing becomes difficult the truth suddenly hits her. All her life, even though she didn’t know how to swim, she never drowned. But tonight, she did. She drowned in bitterness. “How do I lose these fins?” “How could I fly when I don’t have wings?” “Where do I belong: in the sky or in the sea?”

The next day, life has left her… her eyes wide open, as if envisioning the life she should have but hadn’t… nobody even knew how great her dream was and what she went through for that dream… Nobody.

 

This actually is a metaphorical piece I’ve written to express how lost I am in the crossroads of life. The feeling of not being enough and wanting more than I am capable of is gnawing on my insides and consuming me…

Pen and Paper

We carry notebooks with us

As a place to drop the pain

We carry notebooks with us

As a reminder it will be okay

We carry paper

So the pain has a place to go

We carry paper

So we don’t have to fight with our ghosts.

 

We carry pens

So we can let it out

We carry pens

So we don’t have to drown.

 

We write

To put out the fire

We write

To stay alive…

 

-wnq-writers

I can’t thank you enough… (Journal Entry #005)

You are the one that my soul has been searching for so long and finding you has finally completed me. I am beyond grateful to you, for unconditionally and constantly showering me with happiness and love. For all the sweet things you’ve done and continuously do, Thank you!

For bombarding me with calls to wake me up every single morning…For buying me breakfast whenever I haven’t eaten yet…For texting me throughout the day no matter how busy you are…For checking up on me whenever I am on site…For bringing me water right into my table as I finish my inspections…For cooking food for me and eating lunch with me…For bringing site clothes that I can change into whenever I’m drenched with sweat…For always completing my day just because you were seated behind me…For taking me home every single night no matter how late it already is…For taking me out on dinners and dates…For making me feel that I matter…For telling me all your secrets…For hugging me whenever I feel sad…For accompanying me wherever I wanted to go…For supporting me with my dreams…For holding my hand in front of anyone…For introducing me to your family…For taking the dangerous side when we’re walking on the streets…For the endless assurance that there’s no one else but me…For bringing me to the hospital when I wasn’t feeling well and waiting for me to be discharged until past midnight…For always putting me first…For waiting on our lobby until twilight whenever we have a huge fight…For chasing me whenever I walk out…For fighting for me when we were about to break up…For always holding me tight when I’m about to let go…For staying with me no matter how hard I am to handle…For loving me despite my imperfections. For being so sweet, generous, caring, loving… For being sooooo close to “perfect”. For being YOU. THANK YOU. And Iloveyou.

I will never, ever find anyone else like you and I’m so grateful and lucky to have finally met my soulmate. You are my prayer and my dream. And I promise to love you exactly the way you love me. Iloveyou and I will never, ever look for anyone else apart from you…I will never love anyone else… You are my sun and my stars and my moon and you are the only light I need to shine through me. Iloveyou and I promise I will stay no matter how tough things may get. I will stay and I will never leave you. You are my present and my future and I really want to grow old with you. We will stay together, we will endure any hardships together…Iloveyou today and everyday for the rest of my life. Iloveyou

Disclaimer

Not everything that you will read in this weblog is entirely true. I may write about the things that I am going through at the moment but I usually add more drama… I exaggerate it…I dwell on a different perspective which will give my piece more feeling… Because that’s what a writer does, drawing inspirations from their own experiences and adding a touch of their own magic. In my case, my touch includes some struggles and some heartbreaks.

A Tribute to the Best Captain this Crew ever had…(Journal Entry #004)

He’s a mariner who keeps an eye on the compass to ensure this ship’s sailing on the right direction, who has memorized his charts by heart, who makes sure that every tack of the ship, every nautical mile, is an advancement towards our shared goal, who goes around the board spreading smiles and giving encouraging taps, who checks out on the oarsmen and tells them how valuable they are, how much more they could give, and what they could become.

He loves his crew twice as much as he loves a successful voyage. He wasn’t the captain who solely grabs all the credit for any milestone, he would see to it that every single one of us would feel the magnitude of our contribution.

To have a great mind is one thing that most captains possess, but not everyone has a heart as big as his. His heart isn’t something that he wears out on his sleeves and brags about, he prefers the discreet but genuine care to the crew — that isn’t realized by everyone.

We know that he has never truly left us, his ideals and teachings will always be with us wherever we go. We wouldn’t want any single effort he made to be in vain so we’ll make sure that we’ll go straight to our goal, cutting our ways through difficulties and surmounting obstacles, braving the storms and the raging tides, and we’ll treat every drudgery as stepping stones.

We’ll keep on sailing and we’ll utilize everything we’ve ever learned from him.
We’ll keep on sailing but he has to know that it will never be the same without him.
It is with a distinct pride to have sailed with you, Captain! Bon Voyage!

 

so our Project Manager decided to quit because of unfortunate circumstances at the office and I feel as if I had to write this because this is what he deserves. 

Two Worlds (Journal Entry #003)

To my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend,

It’s been 8 months since you’ve broken up with my current boyfriend and we’ve already been together for almost 5 months. When I found him, he’s broken beyond words…he’s been looking for some solace day in and day out… looking for someone who could fill up even half of the hole you left in his heart. I thought he was beyond repair but fate has something in store for us.

I’ve only seen him once, I barely knew him then… But then our boss and our common friends pursued us to hang out. It seems absurd for a brokenhearted guy and a girl who has no plans on getting into a relationship to test the waters and just go with love’s tide. But then as we started to do just that, we were shocked to see how everything suddenly fell into place. I’ve always been drawn to chaos… to mess… and since that’s exactly what he was when you left, I was drawn to him. We dated for a month and things accelerated the way we never thought it would. The next thing we know, we’re already in love. Despite how broken he once was, he healed fast. I treated him with so much love and affection and he was grateful he found me. He moved on from his past… from you! But I never could. When I found out who you are and what part of him you held for so long, I couldn’t just forget you and move on from you. Every night I’ve been stalking you, I’m sure you know that. I’ve been constantly viewing your stories about 3x a day…constantly checking on  your posts… and from there, I got to know you… bits and pieces of you. And I found out why he fell for you…why he stayed with you… why he chased you that much… Oh God, if I were a guy I would have fallen for you too. I became aware of your gorgeous looks… I saw how perfect you are and how I’ll never even be half of a woman that you are. And everyday as he tells me how beautiful I am, I could no longer believe his words. His compliments fell short… it could no longer reach my heart… it became an insult. But I know he loves me so much, everyday he proves that. In a span of few months I’ve walked out on him more than a dozen times and I’ve broken up with him half as much; but he kept on chasing me… kept on showing me I am his present and his future. He is so patient and perfect and sometimes I even ask myself why would you or anyone else leave someone as perfect as him… as caring, as generous, as kind, as understanding, as loving as him…

I’ve never known insecurity before. I’ve always believed that I am beautiful and I’m intelligent and I’m fun to be with. I am someone loved by people because I laugh so easily, I have crazy trips, I am weird and unique and there’s no one else like me. People used to tell me that I am a beautiful person, inside and out… And all these time, I believed them. But then I got to know you and my definition of beautiful suddenly changed. I started hating myself, I started feeling less… And jealousy and insecurity started feeding on me. Suddenly all the suitors I had in my life weren’t enough to make me feel lovely. The compliments seemed superficial, the popularity I once had in the province is fading. The medals I’ve had doesn’t seem to matter anymore… the 2 professional licenses  I’ve acquired in the past year doesn’t seem so much of an achievement. All the things I’ve used to build my self-esteem crumbled down. Suddenly, I’m nothing…and you, on the other hand, you’re the perfect ex-girlfriend…and you don’t even have to try.

For the entire 4 months, and counting, I was filled with anxiety, with jealousy, with constant thoughts that I will never be as perfect as you are. How can I ever compete with someone like you? I know I deserve some peace of mind… I know I should’ve dropped this obsession months ago… I know this is self-torture… but I can’t help it. Still, thank you, despite giving me this constant pain in the ego, thank  you. 

Thank you because you’re my inspiration to be so much better. I know you live in the world of glam, of fashion, of limelight and maybe, just maybe, it would take me a lifetime to breathe the same air as you do… it would take me a lifetime to enter in your world of cameras, of theatres, or performances, of tapings, of music — and I, I’m stucked looking ugly at construction sites… stagnant and not even moving where I am. You’re shining like a diamond and I’m as dull and as insignificant as a handful of mud. You live in the world every girl dreams of… But one day, I’m going to succeed at my own craft, in my own world. Maybe one day, I’m not so stucked anymore… maybe I’ll soar higher and do everything that I can — there’s no limit to what I can do anyway. Maybe I can pursue the law thing… Nothing’s for sure yet other than my drive to be the best version of myself. 

I may not have your porcelain, white skin, I may not have your cute laughter, your beautiful voice, your guts, your confidence, your glamour, your resources, your beauty, your smile… I may not have all of those… but at least I have him. And he will always be enough. Thank you for choosing your career in lieu of him…because now, I have him. 

Alcohol in my veins set my heart ablaze (Journal Entry #002)

I’ve always wondered what made people love it… there’s the bitter taste… the burning sensation… the hangover… the unsteadiness… the headache — while I was going over my mental list, I suddenly laughed at a realization — I guess everyone’s addicted to things that destroys them : drinks, drugs, weeds, gambling, girls, work — even love… and maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be destroyed after all… and so I grabbed a bottle of red wine and tried to destroy my life even more…

From my first shot up to the last one, I couldn’t think of any description but — bitter. There’s pure bitterness nothing else… and at each passing shot, I grew more and more reluctant to take the next one… But the power kicks in… I feel traces of alcohol all over me… I felt numb… and my heart’s palpitating… It’s not as bad as it seemed. The whole world’s spinning–it’s as if the walls were comforting me… I was smiling… there was no music but everything was dancing… They say you’d forget your problems… but for me — I remembered it all… I remember everything as if someone has finally opened the Pandora box inside me… it’s liberating…this kind of of release… all my woes, secrets, pain, problems, heartaches… I finally had the courage to let them out… for once I’m not a coward… I cried… I realized my pain all these years… It made me feel so alive… the feelings I get all at once… There’s too much feelings… I couldn’t keep up… I drank more hoping to drown them all in alcohol. But they didn’t — and it’s okay… because I felt braver… I felt as if I can endure anything… I released everything I’m holding back. I let myself get loose…I talked to myself…cried and laughed like a total lunatic… I reached for my phone and started typing words as if I’m a different person… I expressed my deepest pain… released my despise… texted with all honesty and feelings and anger. My heart was on fire and I let my words burn… and then I can no longer resist the urge to sleep… I drifted to sleep with no thoughts, no tossing and turning… best sleep I’ve had in years…

As I wake up the next morning, I found out why people love it — the bravery, the liberating feeling, the release, the peaceful sleep — and the excuse it brings on why you acted a certain way… to have something else to blame for your actions…”Sorry for last night…I was drunk…I wasn’t myself…”

 

(wrote this early this year… haven’t had any time typing this so I posted it just now)

Spontaneity at its best (Journal Entry #001)

So yesterday, I was on my way to a training… Getting up was harder than usual that morning and I don’t know – there’s this heavy feeling all of a sudden. I told myself, “Fuck it! I’m ditching this… this day is mine and I’m gonna live it the way I want to… I’m going to break the boring cycle today and I’ll just do as I please.” and so I did. I was off to my own little adventures. I randomly rode some train and randomly got off as well. It’s nice to be lost…with nothing but the maps-app on my phone…I just walked aimlessly and went where my feet would take me…

My first stop was at a random church. I felt the need to reconnect with God, somehow I feel that I’m starting to drift away. I went in, hoping that doing so would bring me closer to him… I poured my heart out, clasped both my hands and kneeled in prayer. I told him all my woes and worries, all my hopes and dreams… and asked him for guidance. I left… only to find myself again on another church – my next stop: San Sebastian. I did the same… I talked to him like I’ve never talked to him before… I prayed and prayed to pass the UPLAE. I stayed there for quite some time…meditating while admiring the interiors of the place… and then, off I went… to the place I intend to go to that very morning: Manila City Hall Regional Trial Court. You know how inclined I am at the moment, in Law… and my adventures wouldn’t be complete without visiting something related to it… I sauntered the hallways, looked at every rooms corresponding the different RTC branches. Trial rooms were locked. I interviewed staffs and found out that hearings usually took place during mornings. Mission Failed! I haven’t witnessed one. What I was hoping for was that I’d be inside the courtroom. Well, enough with frustrations. You know me enough…I wouldn’t stop there. I searched the location of Court of Appeals and again… I’m off. However, I got a bit distracted. I saw a sign pointing towards National Planetarium and just like that, I went in. I paid, registered and settled myself on a seat while waiting for the dome show to begin… and well, I was so glad I stumbled to that place… As soon as the show began, I couldn’t contain my joy. A kid in me was unleashed and I gaped at the dome with all enthusiasm. It was so relaxing…as if I’m really staring into a cloudless night – but even better… and as the billion stars twinkle right above me – even though they’re just projections – I wished on the brightest of them… wished for me to be admitted at UP Law. I wished and prayed so hard – that the stars twinkle even more through my tears. After the show, I hurried to the Court of Appeals…I’ve entered various rooms, telling staffs my intention, looking for someone that would let me sit-in amidst a hearing. Sadly, just like at the RTC, there’s no more hearings to listen to for the day. Still, they gave me the schedule of the cases on the courtroom for the next 2 months. I left… but only to seek for something better : Supreme Court. At the lobby, there were reporters…something’s happening at the Session Hall. I went to the Clerk of Courts and clarified my intentions. I was very lucky a staff gave me a ticket so I can get admitted to the Session Hall. I knew I was meant to be here… There’ a reason! This is it! I’m going to witness judges and attorneys in action. I was smiling goofily, it won’t subside. I smiled even wider as I settled on the seat inside. My heart’s jumping for joy…This is the exact feeling you get when you finally found your one true love. I tried to focus  and tried stopping my mind from stirring any more thoughts. I listened intently to the oral arguments… I was amazed how eloquent they were… how sharp their minds are to be able to memorize all those laws… how firm they are on their beliefs — all traits I do not have. I envy them… their words, their sharpness, their intellect… they’re hypnotizing to watch. Deep inside me, there’s a voice…loud cries… “I want to be just like them.” I sat for hours listening to the exchange of words and the battle of their minds… The session ended but even until I got home, I’m holding a dream in my heart… a dream that’s burning with my passion… I’ve been motivated beyond words…

And someday, I will look back at this day and I will remember how this particular day ignited my love for law… how I realized being a lawyer wasn’t just my childhood dream…how I felt I was born to be in this field. Someday, I’m not just going to be an architect and a master plumber… I am going to be a lawyer… and more… More titles, more achievements… Because I wasn’t born to settle with the mediocre. I was born to soar high… I am going to be everything I ever wanted to be… There’s no  limit to what I can do and what I can attain… 

Later that night, I remembered all my perfect and almost perfect examinations during college at taxation, constitution and other subjects relating to law… And so I decided to talk to my former professor… He’s already a lawyer and I was his favorite… he always referred to me as one of the best student he ever had throughout his teaching career. When he heard about my visit to the Supreme Court and how much I’m aching to pursue this career, he was so enthusiastic. He assured me I will pass the admission test and told me something I’d never forget – “Law School is waiting for you.”

(it’s been months since I wrote this, but I retyped this just to make sure that I am not forgetting all my sentiments that day… I’d like to remind myself of my one true love… and one day, when I already have the resources, I will make this dream come true)

Trapped

How do you escape a world you’ve created?
where monsters were your own thoughts,
where pain is your own emotions,
and you’re constantly drowning with your frustrations…
drowning—drowning but you couldn’t die…

Your dreams and goals suffocate you,
tightening around your throat…
covering you mouth…
but you can breathe…
You can breathe–but you hope you couldn’t…

A Dose of Dopamine

“have you ever cried just because you want to be more…to do more…to have more…you’ve set your happiness standard far too high and now, not even ‘you’ could reach it… no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, everything’s just not enough. you’ve drowned yourself into unworthiness, frustrations and disappointments…and everyday you’re struggling to keep afloat… always waiting for your break…always waiting for your moment…just waiting for that dopamine rush to keep you going again…”

The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy 1

1. The Compound Effect in Action 
 
 
The first chapter is about how people craves instant gratification. There are analogies that were used in the book that are really striking:
a. lottery – We  only hear one story about people winning lotteries, what we doesn’t hear and what we doesn’t realize is that there are million of stories of losers. Here comes the negative power of positive thinking. People would like to rely purely on luck with all the optimism they had without realizing that there’s almost a zero chance on that. The most certain way to attain something is not by waiting for it to happen, it is by making it happen. It is by doing everything that you can and even doing things you thought you can’t. For success not to be short-lived, gambling shouldn’t steer your life.
b. magic penny – If we are going to have a choice between taking 3 million pesos and a single penny that doubles its value every day for a month; most likely, people would choose the instant cash; because they don’t want to go through the agonizing wait for the whole month for the payoff. People are usually blinded by that–the instant reward, the fulfillment right now, what we don’t tend to realize is that the second choice will actually be more than 3 times the 3 million you would have chosen. Likewise, “…small, seemingly insignificant steps completed consistently over time will create a radical difference…”
 
 
Quote of the day:
“It doesn’t matter how smart you are or aren’t, you need to make up in hardwork what you lack in experience, skill, intelligence, or innate ability. If your competitor is smarter, more talented, or experienced, you just need to work three or four times as hard. You can still beat them.”
 
 
2. Choices
 
“The life we end up with is simply an accumulation of all the choices we make.”
 
“It is time to wake up and make empowering choices.”
 
“If I always took 100% responsibility for everything I experienced — completely owning all of my choices and all the ways I responded to whatever happened to me — I held the power. Everything was up to me. I was responsible for everything I did, didn’t do or how I responded to what was done to me.”
 
“I had the unlimited power to control my destiny.”
 
“You cannot see what you don’t look for, and you cannot look for what you believe in.”
 
 

Clear Out

Written by Carol J Forrester

I’ve been decluttering my heart recently, prising open the hidden parts I’d forgotten existed. But inside there are faces I don’t want to look at again. Over the years they have changed, lost any softness they once held, become darker, gaunter, crueler now the games have stopped. They are the ones I couldn’t let go of. Tucked away in secret spaces, their claws dug in too deep for me to do anything but move them around like knick-knacks, from the window, to the dresser, to the cupboard under the stairs. They have gathered dust but never left. Now when I look, I see they have shrunk in size and their talons don’t hold the same grip. They are easier to peel away, like plasters left on past a scar healing. They simply fall off, used and worn out.

Every Moment in Between…

Every night as you lie down, you fool yourself that tomorrow will be better…

Every morning as you get up, you pretend that it’s an opportunity to make everything anew…

But every moment in between, you wonder how much longer will you be able to make this cycle go on…

How many more nights and mornings will you spend fooling yourself that you can make it?